Thursday, September 27, 2018

My Journey to the Sea.




I have received a lot of notes on here wondering where I disappeared to and while my friends and family know my situation, many of my online friends have been kept in the dark do to my reluctance to post this in public.  Today after coming back from the hospital and having a long nap after my chemo pump failed I thought it time to let everyone know where I’ve been and what has been happening to me.

In Thai culture upon one’s death the body is cremated, the ashes are distributed between family members, and then the remaining ashes are taken to the sea and distributed.  It looks like I may be taking that journey myself in the near future.  I’m doing my best to put off this journey for as long as possible but my fate is in the hands of the Gods and Buddha.

Last year I was having some severe stomach problems that my family doctor could not remedy.  We had tried different drugs, diets, etc. but nothing seemed to work so he sent me for a CT Scan.  The scan revealed that there was nothing wrong with my intestines or stomach, but the scan did show tumors on my liver and pancreas.  My family doctor sent me to a local surgeon here in town and when he looked at the results of my CT scan he informed me that there was nothing that he could do for me other than to refer me to a surgeon who specializes in liver issues.  He was also a professor at Oklahoma University and his practice was located at the Oklahoma Surgical Center in Tulsa.  He ordered an MRI with contrast that confirmed the results of the CT scan.  He also informed me that surgically there was nothing that could be done for me.  From there I was referred to an oncologist to begin my chemo treatments. 

I was told in January by the oncologist that perhaps I had a year left and he gave me a scenario as to how the rest of my life would play out as far as my cancer was concerned.  He let me know that at some point the Abraxane and Gemzar would become ineffective as my body and the cancer adjusted to the chemicals.  At the time that was the best that was available to use on my cancer.  The other things that could shorten my life would be an infection, a fall, or an injury that would cause me to bleed out since this combination of drugs destroys my ability to heal or fight off infection.  I was told that a simple cold could kill me or at least make me seriously ill.

Living alone in America I considered returning to my home in Thailand and it was my cousin Lien that convinced me to do so.  She being a surgeon at a prestigious Bangkok hospital convinced me that I also should get a second opinion from an oncologist friend of hers.  This sounded like a good idea so I sold my home in Oklahoma and moved back to Thailand.  While I wanted to live on the island that I was born on I elected instead to purchase a small home on a khlong on the outskirts of Bangkok where I can take a water taxi to the hospital for my chemo treatments and avoid sitting in city traffic while throwing up in the back seat of the taxi after my chemo treatment.

The oncologist here in Bangkok gave me the same prognosis but opted to treat me with a different cocktail of chemo drugs than the oncologist in the states had me on.  Two of the chemicals have not been approved by the FDA so I was not allowed to have them until I moved back to Thailand where there were no restrictions. 

Tuesday, I completed my 9th month of chemo.  My latest cat scan indicated that my tumors have doubled in size and number and one of the new tumors is on the muscle that controls my breathing.  I've been switched to a new form a chemo that makes me twice as sick as the last radioactive cocktail that they were giving me.

In January they gave me a year to live and gave me a forecast on how the end would come.  So far, their forecast is on schedule but there is still hope that this new targeted chemo will do better than the last.  Previously I was receiving 2 different drugs, now I'm getting five by IV and then when I leave the hospital they attach a pump to me that I have to wear for 2 days, and then I get another pump that runs for one day.

I spend most of my time now at temple as the prayers chanted by the monks bring me peace and make me forget about everything else for a while.  I’ve prepared for my last days and for my journey to the sea.  I have very little energy and the chemo has left me with necropsy in my feet.  The resulting numbness has made it difficult for me to walk at times especially at night when the numbness is at its worse.  Thankfully I have Lien, her girlfriend Min, and my niece Yaya to help me when I really need it.  My chemo is every other week so I have an off week to recover a little before it starts all over again.  I try to stay active on that week but still find myself getting fatigued a few hours after midday. 

As far as my writing, I just cannot focus clearly and the worlds that I have created have been lost to me.  My thoughts are very dark and foreboding and this is not the way I want to write or have my friends remember me.  Because if this I have turned over some of my better unfinished works to a friend that I’ve been sort of mentoring that I met a few years ago in college composition course.  I also kept up with her in one of the writer’s support groups on Facebook.  She’s a bit darker and more twisted than me but not so much that I feel that she will take the stories off on a path that I would not be comfortable with.  She is free to rewrite the stories from the beginning or continue them from the point where I left off.  Please give Drucilla Dumond the same support that you’ve given me as I crafted my stories.